Five Guys You Will Find in Every Lecture

Being in univercity you paid to get a piece of paper saying you’re qualified to do most things an intelligent Chimp could do. Maybe not Thermodynamics but you get the gist. Unfortunately for some of us univercity students, there are people in the class who didn’t come there to learn. Class to them is like an annex to their social life. I’ll split this one down the middle, five guys and five gals.

1. The Guy Who Comes To Class To Pick Up Girls

While this isn’t a problem at all, there’s a time for work and there’s a time for play. Seeing as how there’s no classes on Saturdays (unless your schedule/life completely sucks) class is the time for work. However this stud uses class time to try and pick up girls and usually fails miserably because he’s a jackass. I remember one time this kid was trying to impress a girl in our Psychology class. I was going to the bathroom and as I passed him he was like “Hey bro, we got a test today? Will it be hard?” I replied, “not if you studied… did you?” He scoffed and said “what do you think?” and turned to a girl he was chatting up for much needed validation. She gave him none. I ended up banging that girls brains out two days later. That last sentence isn’t true, though I wish it was… she was hot.

2. The Douchebag

By now the term douchebag has been overused and can apply to many types of people. I’m not going to narrow it down; every class has a douchebag. Whether he be a jock, some emo kid or that hipster kid who works on his novel in class while guzzling coffee, there’s always one. He’ll refute 90% of what the professor says with witty and usually arbitrary comebacks and rhetorical questions. Never mind the fact the professor has a Masters or Doctorate in their field, hence why they’re teaching. They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, right? Am I right? Come on guys back me up here….

3. The Stoney Baloney

I actually heard this term from my Art History professor, who to this day I think gets high as a kite. On a consistent basis. This guy’ll be easy to spot; he’s wearing sunglasses to a 7pm class. Why? His eyes are bloodshot. Either that or he’s just staring into space, or giggling every time your professor says a word that can have more than one meaning. Don’t be too harsh on this guy though, he’s just trying to pass. Truth be told, I’ve gone to a couple of classes blazed out of my mind. I haven’t failed a class yet!

4. The Guy Who Tries to Befriend The Professor

This guy will spend less time trying to learn and more time trying to rub shoulders with the professor in hopes they will pass him when he fails the final. This vexes me. I came to class to learn, not to listen to you try to shoot the breeze with the teacher in the middle of a lecture. As mentioned above, if he spent half the time learning and taking notes he might not feel the need to kiss the teachers ass. Unless she’s hot. I have a couple of hot teachers this semester…I hope one of them are those teachers that screw their students. I’m willing and able, and I won’t snitch.

5. The Guy Who Shows Up…..Once

Good riddance, you’ll never see this fellow again. Well maybe during finals week, as he becomes Guy # 4 and pleads and begs the teacher not to flunk his sorry ass. What’s most mysterious about this guy is not that he doesn’t attend class, but what he does when he’s not in class. Is there something so pressing that you must flush your GPA down the toilet? The world may never know. Maybe he works a lot. Maybe he is a drug trafficker, maybe he is Spider-man. You never know, my friends. You never know…

Five Girls You Find in Every Lecture

1. The Girl Who Does Her Hair/Makeup/Nails

She apparently didn’t have time to do it in her dorm, so she’s doing it in class. I have no problem with girls and their hair, they usually just wear it in a ponytail or out..or whatever it’s called when it’s not tied up. Makeup is pushing it, because you didn’t come to class to look sexy (although my phallus appreciates it). I hate it when girls paint their nails in class, because I can’t stand the smell of nail polish. The smell of glue, now that’s a different story. Huh? Go to the bathroom and do that, God knows they spend ridiculous amounts of time in there anyways.

2. The Girl Who DOESN’T do her Hair/Makeup/Nails

To put it frankly….this girl looks like ass. Her hair is frizzy and all over the place, her eyes still have sleepies in them, and her hands look like she washed them with rocks. 99% of the time she will look awful. The days she doesn’t, you don’t recognize her until you ask like an idiot “did you just transfer to this class?” only to find out it’s been her all along… true story.

3. The Texter

Guys and girls are equally guilty of this, but damn girls make it an art form. The Blackberries are grafted to their hands, and when they type your eyes bleed from the blinding speed they text at. Seems like they’re writing the next all American novel too; the sheer volume of typing they do in class is equivalent to a semesters worth of papers. Ok I might be exaggerating. Or……..am I?

4. The Hot Girl Who Never Does Her Work

You’ve never seen her lift her pen. You see her texting, but you never see her textbook. Yet, she’s still in the class. Is she paying attention? No, she’s idly doodling while you’re cramping your hands trying to take stellar notes. She supremely unconcerned about the class…..which is why she sits next to you. One batting of her eyelash and you automatically give up your notes to her, all slack-jawed and tight pants. I say tight pants because you have an erection, not like, emo kid pants. Gross. You think letting her see your notes will lead to wild parties where you guys hook up because you let her copy your notes. I’ll be frank; you’re wrong.

5. The Girl Who is…..Just a Bitch

No matter what day it is, Earth Day, Valentines Day, The End of Days, she’ll find something to complain about. God forbid if you disagree with her on her complaining, or there will be a clean incision where you head used to be, because she’ll bite it off. At the end of the class you’re left scratching your head honestly wondering what you said to set the rocket off, as she prowls to her next class, and her next victim.
While there are scores of people you’ll find in class these ten are most prominent in my travels. Feel free to leav your own encounters below.